What denomination are you?

I was reading Julies blog about denominations a while back. I totally know and agree with what you say/mean about denominations. That's why I've always nurtured my friendships inside and out of my "church family". They just happen to be who I worship with, but life is day to day. We need to exude our faith and, well, that's what I try to do. That way I have a network of believer friends wherever I go...hopefully. It all started with me growing up in and Episcopal church in NY. When I came to Shepherd and joined the Christian fellowship there, they were a bite freaked out to take me to a contemporary church of worship. I didn't get it. The two Episcopal church's I attended with my family were both going through "renewal" so it seemed normal to me to sing those contemporary songs along with the hymns. (Keep in mind this was the late 80's. Yeah, it's that many years later, I can't believe it either.) The third year of my college career, InterVarsity began to go through a change like many church's. The campus Christian fellowship split into two. During that year I'd experienced both sides. One extreme said I wasn't saved because I didn't speak in tongues when I prayed. They extreme opposite was no faith at all, so it was a challenge to sift through all this to find my true faith.

Through all this I was full of compassion for my siblings in Christ and for those who didn't know Christ. But I became so dependent on them, that when I was thrust home after the end of a school year I floundered and fell away from the Lord. That began my season away from God. In our Jr High class at church last night Tina said that by age 22, 1 out of 10 teenagers who attend church will be the only one still attending. I said I was at age 22...well I wasn't. I was still in the middle of my mess. I did come back obviously. It began by coming back to Covenant, then Battlefield Bible Church in Sharpsburg, Maryland. That's where I was baptized and rededicated my life to the Lord. The long and short of it is: we are all the body of Christ. Denomination won't matter in heaven. Let's live by loving each other here. More might believe if we just treated each other better.

This denomination thing is a big hurtle for us to get over in youth ministry. How do we get other churches involved and on fire with what God is doing. I guess the best and only hope is prayer. So when we invite them, they will be touched by what the Holy Spirit is doing and will get involved. It's not about us anyway. It's about Jesus our savior.... (sigh....awe...amen.)

First Formal

I'm so thankful these two have each other. Aren't they adorable? They clean up well, hu? This is Abbey's first formal, and had to have dad along. They also brought Ashley along, but Carey was able to get one father/daughter dance in. Love you!

Happy Days

Aren't these a cute bunch of kids? Gotta love 'em!

Remember Me

This is my tribute to Amy Grant. While in High School I went on an Emmaus Weekend in Connecticut. It was through my grandmother's church, (my parents now attend this church, but it wasn't our home church growing up). While on this three day weekend I was introduced to Christian music, Amy Grant. The song that immediately got me hooked was "My Father's Eyes". The moment I heard that I remember thinking, that's what I hope is played at my funeral. Although an Emmaus Weekend was intended to change your life by receiving Christ, I believe I was a believer prior to the weekend. It did change my life though, by providing me with music with a God theme that would forever change my life.

Of course there have been ups and downs, but for me Christian music is all I can listen to. The reason is, music is powerful. It was designed by God for worship. So, why not expect it to mean something even if God's not involved? I lived a rebellious life drinking, carousing, causing a ruckous all to Floyd, The Stones, Police, Madonna, you know the wide gammut. Those all bring back the ungodly thoughts and memories of the past when I hear them now. So I've realized it's just better to have at least Godly stuff playing if anything. That way in the future hopefully the girls will have flashbacks of good memories when they hear a song from their past. Plus when The Gospel Channel is playing in the background, or WPER, or WGTS, there's sure to be positive interactions among us.

A Paradox in my life

This morning I had a revelation. It's ultimately a strange paradox in my life. I was pondering possible reasons why I and certain family members seem to be treated differently by people we consider friends. Or why once something is brought to someone's attention are people not able to embrace you as Christ would and look past the struggle or idiosyncracy. I finally have the understanding of why I have lost dear friendships in the past because I have required them to be genuine with me. They were afraid of ridicule, and scrutiny to which I can say now we have experienced. I would say Jesus would love the same regardless and that's what we are called to do. Unfortunately we are human and our nature does not "naturally" love the abnormal, nor enjoy embracing the truth. In living a life of TRUTH at all cost, I've begun to see the parallel through my childhood-adolescence-adulthood. In each season of life I've craved deep personal relationships, usually with girlfriends. Usually that desire would come to a point of make or break, and the truth prevailed and friendship lost: for what ever reason, human nature, sin, whatever???? Hurt was born from the loss of friendship and commradery. So, I'd be set into some sort of rebellious state due to the hurt in trying to combat the pain and betrayal. I so doing, I'd end up at the next point of craving the relationship in hopes of security....yet again.

So? How does this all make sense? My rebellion post was obviously about my rebellion after being hurt. How and why doesn't matter. It's the whole process to which I'm trying now to convey. Part of me, I guess that social worker/pschology mentality is always trying to understand why I do/feel what I do. This in turn I can hope to influence other for good.

I see that requiring others to live a life of open truth would cause them to fear and vulnerability, and the risk it would take to trust that they would not be hurt in the process. I'm sorry old dear friends that I placed that upon you. It was not fair.

I do however know I was trying to keep some sort of control over exposure to pain for my family, and in being prepared to protect them at all costs. However inappropriate, we all do this in our own manner.

Now as I round another sharp corner of that rollercoaster Shasta speaks of, pain just comes not matter what. As I share of my post abortion experience, shame still exists. Not brought on by me, but others who dare to judge and treat me differently because of my experience. That's just and example. As I've been obedient to the calling of leading the women's study I've begun to see how through the years I've honestly exposed myself, and some are not able to embrace it in a gentle or sensitive manner. My honesty has scared people off. Not necessarily from the women's class, it's from me. Me and my family and how we are treated.

I guess for now we just have to keep on keeping on, because that's what we are called to do. It hurts not being part of the group. It hurts not being invited to the party. I see in my children the same struggles I had and still have in these interpersonal relationships. I also see the adults shun my child as they are not able to accept, cope or lovingly treat her with kindness, even when they know her struggle. The struggle to which I have been the one to expose in truth. How do I now cope with that regret?

WELL I CAN'T!! I know the truth will set you free, and you will be free indeed. I am honestly disgusted by the enemy and how he uses time to get us and tear us up. I will not allow him any stronghold here. I also know that our loving Father will use everything for His good and perfect plan, and that means everything in life. I can't wallow in guilt, I have to trust all will work to God's glory.

Here's the thing. I had an epiphany moment a couple weeks ago. I was sad about not having my mom nearby for the holiday's. My best friend ever who is a cousin 8 years younger lives 12 hours away, whom I NEVER get to see and have no-little contact with. I wining to myself about not having them in my life, or just a girlfriend to pal around with. Have coffee with, sew with, go shopping with....whatever. One night one of the girls was scared going to bed. She just wanted me. She wanted me to stroke her face so she'd get sleepy, but still feel safe by my presence. It was in that moment I realized. I have potentially five little girlsfriends!! Imagine my excitement, relief of the pain felt for years for something craved. I have it. I now have it. Actually it's still in the making, but now I have it. I'm still their mom, not quite yet their friend. But I'll have five, not just one buddy. Oh the relief and tears that came.

Of course Carey was like du? All this time I've teased him about what he's in for (which he still is). But he loves these girls. He loves being made over by each and every one. It may be simply plain to see by others, but until now I hadn't noticed. Why are we so blind?

The bottom line for this post has to be, when we sin, it doesn't just hurt us. It hurts others as well. Being honest and open life doesn't mean a life free of pain. We'll have it even if we weren't honest and open. Either way we have to set out to trust God that it'll all turn out for his good. That being said, truth also influences others beyond ourselves as well. It's infectious. Hopefully I can learn to be joyful and encourageing to others as I strive to JUST BE and love other as they are.

Rebel yell

Ok, now you know why I've waited so long to blog. My life is already an open book, why hide? The women in my women's class at church and the Jr. High youth know I've been struggling with rebellion. Yes, it's obvious it's part of our sin nature, but why? Where does that origin of rebellious not wanting to submit and conform come from. I think I finally figured it out. It's simply put: the self.

A rebel is defined as: to resist or rise against some authority, control, or tradition (I'm not suggestion I'm in rebellion against the governmental definition)

Rebellious is defined: simply being prone to rebel.

We are called as believers of Christ to die to self daily to do His will. For me that would be to get up in the morning and school my children and take care of them, my husband and the household. My struggle isn't that I don't want do these things. I do. I love my position and this time in my life. I'm just physically ailing. It's not even a mental thing. I'm physically tired. The Vitamin D treatment hasn't seemed to help. I'm tired of spinning my wheels trying to take care of myself so I can do the other things I'm called to do. It seems as though I'm dealing with a physical limitation, which I've never experienced before. If feels as if I'm diving off the diving board, but there's no water in the pool. With water you can at least float. I'm just laying flat on the dry pool bottom.

I keep searching for a reason that I can't manage what I'm called to do. Is it just too much for any one person? This is what my doctor says. He says only 5% of the population can do what do and handle it with ease. I'm just tired of being tired, and now being ill as well.

Vulnerablility?

Ok, I've given in. I want to blog, but I don't want to be vulnerable to others.... I've been hurt by judgement before. Um, I guess that the Lord will just have to deal with me or others who may inquire. I would love to be able to share internal dealings and be able to encourage others. I guess we shall see what we shall see.