A Paradox in my life

This morning I had a revelation. It's ultimately a strange paradox in my life. I was pondering possible reasons why I and certain family members seem to be treated differently by people we consider friends. Or why once something is brought to someone's attention are people not able to embrace you as Christ would and look past the struggle or idiosyncracy. I finally have the understanding of why I have lost dear friendships in the past because I have required them to be genuine with me. They were afraid of ridicule, and scrutiny to which I can say now we have experienced. I would say Jesus would love the same regardless and that's what we are called to do. Unfortunately we are human and our nature does not "naturally" love the abnormal, nor enjoy embracing the truth. In living a life of TRUTH at all cost, I've begun to see the parallel through my childhood-adolescence-adulthood. In each season of life I've craved deep personal relationships, usually with girlfriends. Usually that desire would come to a point of make or break, and the truth prevailed and friendship lost: for what ever reason, human nature, sin, whatever???? Hurt was born from the loss of friendship and commradery. So, I'd be set into some sort of rebellious state due to the hurt in trying to combat the pain and betrayal. I so doing, I'd end up at the next point of craving the relationship in hopes of security....yet again.

So? How does this all make sense? My rebellion post was obviously about my rebellion after being hurt. How and why doesn't matter. It's the whole process to which I'm trying now to convey. Part of me, I guess that social worker/pschology mentality is always trying to understand why I do/feel what I do. This in turn I can hope to influence other for good.

I see that requiring others to live a life of open truth would cause them to fear and vulnerability, and the risk it would take to trust that they would not be hurt in the process. I'm sorry old dear friends that I placed that upon you. It was not fair.

I do however know I was trying to keep some sort of control over exposure to pain for my family, and in being prepared to protect them at all costs. However inappropriate, we all do this in our own manner.

Now as I round another sharp corner of that rollercoaster Shasta speaks of, pain just comes not matter what. As I share of my post abortion experience, shame still exists. Not brought on by me, but others who dare to judge and treat me differently because of my experience. That's just and example. As I've been obedient to the calling of leading the women's study I've begun to see how through the years I've honestly exposed myself, and some are not able to embrace it in a gentle or sensitive manner. My honesty has scared people off. Not necessarily from the women's class, it's from me. Me and my family and how we are treated.

I guess for now we just have to keep on keeping on, because that's what we are called to do. It hurts not being part of the group. It hurts not being invited to the party. I see in my children the same struggles I had and still have in these interpersonal relationships. I also see the adults shun my child as they are not able to accept, cope or lovingly treat her with kindness, even when they know her struggle. The struggle to which I have been the one to expose in truth. How do I now cope with that regret?

WELL I CAN'T!! I know the truth will set you free, and you will be free indeed. I am honestly disgusted by the enemy and how he uses time to get us and tear us up. I will not allow him any stronghold here. I also know that our loving Father will use everything for His good and perfect plan, and that means everything in life. I can't wallow in guilt, I have to trust all will work to God's glory.

Here's the thing. I had an epiphany moment a couple weeks ago. I was sad about not having my mom nearby for the holiday's. My best friend ever who is a cousin 8 years younger lives 12 hours away, whom I NEVER get to see and have no-little contact with. I wining to myself about not having them in my life, or just a girlfriend to pal around with. Have coffee with, sew with, go shopping with....whatever. One night one of the girls was scared going to bed. She just wanted me. She wanted me to stroke her face so she'd get sleepy, but still feel safe by my presence. It was in that moment I realized. I have potentially five little girlsfriends!! Imagine my excitement, relief of the pain felt for years for something craved. I have it. I now have it. Actually it's still in the making, but now I have it. I'm still their mom, not quite yet their friend. But I'll have five, not just one buddy. Oh the relief and tears that came.

Of course Carey was like du? All this time I've teased him about what he's in for (which he still is). But he loves these girls. He loves being made over by each and every one. It may be simply plain to see by others, but until now I hadn't noticed. Why are we so blind?

The bottom line for this post has to be, when we sin, it doesn't just hurt us. It hurts others as well. Being honest and open life doesn't mean a life free of pain. We'll have it even if we weren't honest and open. Either way we have to set out to trust God that it'll all turn out for his good. That being said, truth also influences others beyond ourselves as well. It's infectious. Hopefully I can learn to be joyful and encourageing to others as I strive to JUST BE and love other as they are.